Mark Wright’s Blog

I consider myself to be a student of relationships.  Notice that I don’t call myself an expert in relationships because I think very few people are.  Most who claim to have all the answers about women or men are fooling themselves. 

Relationships are much different from business because of the emotional factor that is involved.  Emotions are wonderful things but they do cloud rational thought from time to time.    How do we go from feeling like we can’t live without someone to feeling like we no longer want to live in the same state as the person?  It is amazing that someone can profess their undying love to another and later profess their contempt.    I have read the statistics that over 50% of marriages end in divorce.  That is a pretty scary. 

When you are a student of relationships, you get a lot of advice, some of it unsolicited.  Take this tasty nugget that I once received.  A friend of mine was asking me about my love life.  I told him that I didn’t have any real good prospects and he decided that he was going to give me the keys to the kingdom.  Here is what I learned.

“You have to find the right person.  It is important that she knows you are the boss.  She does the laundry, takes care of the kids, cleans the house and when I come home at night, dinner is on the table.  We have a great relationship.  I earn the money and she takes care of all the other stuff so I don’t have to.”  There was more but I will spare you.  I thought he was joking but he was very serious.  I did my best to keep from laughing and thanked him for the information.  At the very least he made me smile.   He left out one very important variable.  Both people have to be happy.  I won’t go into details but the story did not have a very happy ending. 

The second scenario involved a previous employer.  I worked for a family run business that a husband and wife had.  They were both very active in the business.  Now for many, living together and working together would be the kiss of death.  Both were in their sixties at the time and had been married for quite a while.  They were incredibly happy, did things as a couple and were very affectionate.  They were a couple that truly did love each other.  I didn’t want to come out and ask him because I was afraid I would get some canned answer.  What I found was that when there was a potential argument, 95% of the time he would let her decision stand.  The other five percent, he put his foot down and she knew it was pointless to continue.  It was mutual respect.  He was willing to give 95% for his five and it worked.   I finally felt compelled to ask him how it was so easy for them to have such a great relationship.  He looked at me like I had two heads, five arms and one leg.  “There is nothing easy about it.  It is a bunch of work.  But it is worth it.”

The final story is on the good side as well.  I have a female friend who has been married for 15 years and they act like they are still newlyweds.  They truly love each other and are best friends.  I was talking to her one day and she told me that there were times where she was willing to play the damsel in distress and ask her husband to do things (manly things) although she could have done them herself.  She grasped a concept that is very difficult for many women to deal with.  Men need at least the illusion that they are needed.  Now this is a very smart, successful and strong woman who could pretty much do anything she needed to do by herself.  However, she is smart enough to know men want to be the hero sometimes.  Now you may disagree with this but do you want to be right or have a good relationship?  You don’t have to do it all the time but every once in a while can’t be that bad.  It makes her husband believe that she needs him.  Everybody wants to feel needed right?  Here is another example.  When I am at work, I am usually the person that they come to when something needs to be fixed, lifted or hit with a hammer.  I have become an expert at fixing jammed paper shredders.  As goofy as it may seem, I like being that person because it at least gives me the illusion that I am handy.  There are women that love to put men in their place.  Sometimes we need that.  But every once in a while, let us have our time in the sun.  You will like the results. 

I have been witness to many relationships in which all the couple does is complain about what the other person doesn’t do for them instead of appreciating what they do.  The reality is that even under the best of circumstance, you are going to do things that aggravate the other.  Whether you bang your razor on the sink too loud when shaving or don’t put the cap on the toothpaste, there will be things that make you crazy.  Think about it though.  Is it really that horrible?    

Be willing to forgive when it is the right thing to do.  When our friends make mistakes, most of the time we are willing to let the transgression go with a simple I’m sorry.  However, with our relationships, it seems to be a lot harder.

Now you might ask me what my qualifications are to dispense such advice.   I have a PhD from the School of Bad Relationships.  You name the mistake, I’ve made it.  However, I have learned from my mistakes and from the mistakes of others.  I am sure I will make mistakes in the future and will continue to evolve.  It is never too late to learn.